New England Patriots Found to Have Unfair Advantage, New England

New York City–NFL league officials announced today that the New England Patriots have long held an unfair advantage, they are supported by the entire New England Region. This announcement comes after months of investigation commissioned shortly after the “cameragate” incident.

Most teams, like the Green Bay Packers and the San Francisco 49ers, represent single cities. Other teams like the Minnesota Vikings and the Arizona Cardinals represent entire states. However, the Patriots, ever seeking a competitive advantage, represent an entire region featuring six whole states.

Fason Jord, an Indianapolis Colts fan shared his opinion, “I know they run up the score, but running up their number of fans, unheard of!”

“Wins and losses need to be decided on a strictly per capita basis. Take the points the team scores and divide by the population they represent. If we did that then the Eagles would have kicked the Patriots’ collective ass many times over.” Philadelphia Eagle fan Tom continues, “Green Bay would also be the most dominant team in the league, ever. But I’m cool with that, Brett Favre rocks.”

The league is still contemplating the appropriate consequences for the Patriots. Speculation over their punishment has run the gamut from forfeiture of another draft pick, to officially renaming the team “The New England Patriots of Foxborough,” to forcing Bill Belchick to bathe and dress in clean clothes.

“We all knew the team was dirty,” said Seattle Seahawks fan Talvin Cang, “they steal signals, their players take hGH, Tom Brady cheats on Bridget Moynahan with supermodel Gisele. But now they have really crossed the line by to stealing other fans.”

This investigative commission was first started to look into further rumors of Patriot cheating after a team employee was caught video taping the opposing team’s defensive signals against the New York Jets during the first game of the season.

An official of the Commissioner’s Office speaking on the condition of anonymity disclosed another ongoing investigation into how exactly both the Giants and Jets claim to represent New York while hosting their home games in the Meadowlands of New Jersey.