Do They Know It’s Hallowe’en?

It’s 1984, and not I am not making an allusion to the novel or a Big Brother government. No, instead it is 1984 and Michael Jackson is popular, mullets are cool, people still have respect for U2 and everyone still believes that music can save the world. Bob Geldof brings together a bunch of ’80s Brit-pop stars, many of whom we have long forgotten, to form Band Aid and record the single, Do They Know It’s Christmas?, with proceeds going to Ethiopian famine relief. The song was amazingly successful and became the number one single in the UK despite featuring two solos by Paul Young. “Who is Paul Young?” you ask. Exactly.

Not to be outdone in egotistical philanthropy, American pop stars formed USA for Africa and released the single, We are the World in 1985. The song reached the top of the chart in America and eventually made over fifty million dollars for famine relief in Ethiopia through its various incarnations in single, album and video form.

Regretfully charity-based supergroups do more for pop star egos than actually helping the poor in Africa. Besides, is not the very definition of irony a bunch of rich celebrities singing about hope, giving and western religious holidays under the guise of caring about the poor in Africa?

Luckily the ’80s would pass by, and so would mullets and Michael Jackson’s fame. Well at least the good kind of fame, now it is more of an OJ Simpson-like fame, but that is besides the point. Thanks to Hip Hop and mediocre rock groups like Creed, people soon realized that music will not in fact save the world (though some still live in delusion), but instead probably hasten its downfall.

But all that changed in 2005, when a bunch of independent musicians teamed up to warn the world of the dangers of Halloween. That’s right, members of such bands as The Arcade Fire, Rilo Kiley, Comedian David Cross, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Wolf Parade and The Postal Service joined up to release the singe Do They Know It’s Hallowe’en? as the supergroup The North American Hallowe’en Prevention Initiative and Vice Records, with all proceeds going to UNICEF.

For once, pop stars acted in the interests of the people to warn the world of the horrific tradition of North America. These traditions seek to ruin the moral fabric of America by popularizing devil and demon worship and ruining the dental hygiene of millions of children through sugary snacks. Halloween seeks to create a culture of fear across America, with goblins and witches and razor blades and needles hidden in candy. This “holiday” encourages good girls to dress slutty and tempts children to talk to strangers. It is clear that this evil holiday has to go. Thankfully, the stars of indie rock agree and have produced this wonderful song and companion video to bring attention to this problem and seek help from the globe.

Now we need to band together to rid ourselves of this horrific holiday. Newsviners from around the globe, please help show us the errors of our ways. Do you know it’s Halloween?